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Mourning

My dad died on October 17 of this year and I haven’t been doing so well with it.

I see his name here – in recent comments – and the waterworks start. I had thought for so long he wasn’t interested in the blog, but of late he was one of its few readers. Everyone keeps commenting to me on how we had such a “complicated” relationship. But really, it wasn’t that complicated. I loved him. Like, it broke my heart how much I loved him. And he loved me. The part folks describe as complicated, I guess, is that he was never able to love me for who I really am. And that broke me. He was forever upset at how sensitive I am, constantly telling me to toughen up. He was always criticizing my taste in things — movies, art, books, tv. He didn’t like the way I played sports, criticizing me for generous calls I made in tennis. I was just under the omnipresent understanding that I was doing it all wrong. But it wasn’t all that complicated. I loved him. He loved me. I just knew he wanted me to be a different me.

He also always made me know that he’d had it so much worse than I could know. His parents had been blindingly horrid to him and his brother. And I believe and believed it. But what was I to do with that as a seven-year-old? Or now? I was always taught that I was lucky that my dad was as “normal” and kind as he was; I should be grateful: it could be so much worse. As if any of it were something I had a part in.

I’m not exactly sure what lessons to take from my dad. I know that he gave me extraordinary gifts and tools. But he also gave me heightened sensitivity and anger and depression. But besides Molly, I know that he gave me tangible good. The thing that makes me more grateful to him than I can articulate is my love of art. It’s what makes me get up in the morning and what makes me believe in humanity. It’s what gives me hope. And I thank my dad for giving me that gift. My mom fanned and fans it for sure. But it was my dad’s passion. And I’m grateful forever to have been born in its shadow.

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This

One of my favorite modern-day legal thrilers is a little-watched movie called Fracture. Despite having an all-star cast, I find that few folks I know have seen this gem. Mostly I love it for Ryan Gosling’s performance, but I won’t hesitate to admit that I love it because I think that the picture is a bit of an ode to public service. An excerpt:

You know what nobody understands about certain kinds of low paid public service work? Every now and then you get to put a fucking stake in a bad guy’s heart. 

We”re not supposed to talk about that when we visit a third grade classroom for career day and it doesn’t get you very far into a country club locker room, but it’s hard to beat when you actually get to do it.

I mean? Amen. 

RIP HDS

This blog has never had much of a focus, but it did start by zoning in on film and televsion.

And it’s no secret that I love John Hughes’s movies.

To that end, I think I’d be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to celebrate Harry Dean Stanton. He came to my attention when I was 11 and saw the formidable Pretty in Pink. Though the movie was not aimed at the HDS crowd, I dare say its brilliance and HDS’s award-worthy performance in it, make it one that I really hope that HDS was proud of. I still watch that movie whenever I can, see him, and think, “Holy cow. There’s an actor.”  

HDS, you will be more than missed. But thank you for sharing your gifts. I’m grateful now and I was so grateful as an 11 year old. 

1-0

After a sleepy first half (to say the least), I’m feeling p-retty good about that game, thank you very much. You? #GBvSEA

Ok, here we go . . .

I think I need to reinvent this thing.

{Major props to Mags for telling me her bookmark order. It’s making me think.}

So, to that end, let’s try this. Five things that are interesting this week that have nada to do with the White House and, as far as I can tell, aren’t storm-related. Thoughts?

  • THE VENUS WILLIAMS SLOANE STEPHENS MATCH. HOLY BANANAS.
  • Peter Kraus. Please discuss because I can barely handle it.
  • Aaron Rodgers. Could there be more articles written about his greatness? And, oops, Brady!
  • My kid in kindergarten. This week, Aaron asked her why she was so goofy and she said, “I’m goofy because I’m Molly.” Accurate answer, kid.
  • I saw my first rat this week as I biked to work in the pre sunrise hours. I did not enjoy any of this.

Ok. Please discuss any or all of this.

 


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It hurts to talk, so I’ll say it here. Thank you @sarayublue for the most beautiful 💐. They’ve brightened my day, my week. And I know they’ll make the healing speedier. I’m very lucky. ❤️❤️❤️ #friendsies #toomuch #thankyou #mymouthhurts Someone was so inspired by tonight’s #badgergame that she hit the studio as soon as she arrived home. #uwbadgers #badgerbasketball #44ever #frankkaminsky #mylittlebadger Go Badgers! Welcome home, Frank! #onwisconsin🏀 #gobadgers🐾 #Bucky #badgerfan #frankkaminsky #44 #kohlcenter #madisonwi Getting there. #home #neverfinished #someday #probablynot #interiors Replacing! One of two boob lights left that are destined for doom! My lighting hero strikes again! Swapping out the nasty builder-grade dust magnet for the sleek number from @barnlightusa 
Thanks @oneilaaron76 for a great start to the weekend! 
#upgrade #barnlightelectric #newlighting #18downhowmanytogo #goodlightingiskey #stillneedscaulk

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