Warning: this blog post is rather personal and slightly sappy.

One of my many shortcomings is my insecurity.  I feel like I’ve made great strides in this regard since, say, eighth grade, but there’s a lot still going on.  One of the ways this manifests itself is in the field of love.  Bear with me here.  It’s not that I’m one of those people who can’t imagine someone loving me, or that I don’t feel like I deserve love.  It’s more that I’m somewhat uncomfortable with it.  Let me explain.

I was watching ‘Dan in Real Life’ this weekend, while getting ready for the barbeque.  There’s a scene in which one of Dan’s three girls is demonstrably heartbroken when her father sends her teenage beau away.  She screams and cries and calls her dad a traitor to love or something.  I mean, she SCREAMS and CRIES about how much she loves said-teenage boy and how he’s perfect and dreamy and blah blah blah.  Now, we all know I can cry.  And I have definitely shed a tear or two over love lost or confused, but I have never had a breakdown of that magnitude.  I just have never felt that, “He’s perfect, we’re perfect, what I have is perfect.”  Or maybe, if I have, I’ve just never let it to the surface.

Sure, I’ve had my giddy moments of glee over the years and I feel like I’ve been very blessed to find love not once, but twice.  I still, though, think that I put up a wall that I don’t allow myself to go through.  I don’t want to shout from the rooftops or sing at the top of my lungs or click my heels together in the rain.  I worry about drawing that kind of attention to myself.  I worry that I will look vain or silly or smug.  I worry that only super attractive people are allowed to be open about love.  I worry that drawing that kind of attention to my relationship, my feelings, will make them both disappear.  I worry that there will be some sort of karmic force that will say, “Bam! You lose!  You should have kept it to yourself!”

And I felt this way when Ben & I got married.  I wanted to throw a really fun party for everyone, but I didn’t want to spend time on myself.  I bought my dress (a bridesmaid’s dress in white) online for about $200.  I felt like I wasn’t allowed to have a dress I really wanted because I wouldn’t look that good in it anyway and it would be silly to spend money on something that wouldn’t look very good.  But it’s not as if the wedding was cheap.  Far from it: we had a great band, an open bar, tons of food, an afterparty, a fun rehearsal dinner, etc.  But when it came to me, I didn’t want to go to a store to go dress shopping.  I didn’t want people looking at me, thinking that I was trying to have some sort of day for me.  The day was about our families and friends and trying to make them happy.  That’s not to say, of course, that I was entirely selfless or anything.  I made the reception a heavy hors d’oeuvres party — instead of a plated dinner — because that’s how I like to eat.  But still, the fact remained that I had a very hard time ever saying, “But this is my day and I want to look pretty.”  The truth is, I felt extremely nervous and unattractive on my wedding day.  My dress didn’t fit all that well and I hated my hair in that updo.  I had fun at the reception and loved seeing my friends.  But, honestly, I was really relieved when it was over.

Now that it’s the second time around, I feel even more nervous.  I feel like no one wants you to celebrate a second wedding.  I worry that people think, “Hey, you failed the first time, you should probably be quiet about this one and just hope no one says anything.”  So, I’ve struggled as of late.  Since Aaron and I decided that we should get hitched, I’ve felt very uncomfortable.  I feel uncomfortable when people are so excited because I wonder if it’s sincere.  I feel nervous when people are blase because I worry that they are skeptical about our ability to make this work.  I worry when people don’t say anything at all.

As I said, I’ve struggled.  Should we just run off to Vegas; should we just walk down to the courthouse; should we throw a party; should we have a ceremony; should we invite no one; should we invite everyone?  You get the picture.  We started thinking that what we really wanted was to have a small party with our closest friends and family.  We want something intimate and friendly, easy and relaxed.  We want something, though, for us.

I have decided that while I’m still uncomfortable with people looking at me, and while I still worry that things may come crashing down, I am going to make an honest effort to recognize that this can be about me.  This celebration can be a celebration about me and Aaron and that there’s nothing wrong with that.  It’s not hubris; it’s love.  And as a very wise friend recently reminded me, love is something that is always worth celebrating.


9 Responses to “Love”

  1. 1 gracieandkate June 14, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Sorry for the weird change to the blog’s look. I’m working on it.

  2. 2 Mary June 14, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    It is something very special to celebrate. And it should be about what you two want. And those of us lucky enough to celebrate with you will be so very happy. Love Mom

  3. 3 Raoser June 14, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    First of all, I love the new look. I think it’s adorable and summery.

    Ok, I’m about to rush of to the airport, but I need to get my two cents in. This blog got me all teary, and made me want to scream in utter joy. You are truly terrible at celebrating yourself and I think for once in your life, you simply must. Otherwise you’ll look back and kick yourself. Life is too short not to fully appreciate your life and the love surrounding you and the beauty of you. You’re so good at those first two, why not squeeze the latter in and make yourself a triple threat? I love you. We all do, and to be honest, you’d be giving us all a huge gift at your wedding if you really let us bask in your glow.

    That’s what weddings are about, and that’s what everyone who loves the bride and groom, and everyone who loves weddings… loves about weddings. That’s the celebration- the crazy, teary, romantic, very personal, very vulnerable love between the bride and groom.

    Please make this one about you. I’ll remind you every step of the way.

  4. 4 Kayt June 14, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    I’m not sure if I want to reach over from Japan and shake you or hug you.

    “I feel like no one wants you to celebrate a second wedding.”


    Do people wonder if marriages are going to work? Yes. They wonder that for first, second, third…but the thing is: Your friends and your family want you to be happy. They want to celebrate your happiness and your hopes and dreams for continued happiness. We all want to hope for better days for our friends. We want their second chances to work. We want them to be happy and to show comfort in that happiness. That’s why people are excited for you. You are loved and people want to see you feel that love and celebrate it.

    They are also excited for themselves. As I said, we want second chances to work. We’re all insecure. We’re all pretty sure we don’t have what it takes. We all wonder why people love us and celebrate our happiness. When one of our friends gets a second chance, or a first chance, to be happy…we celebrate not only for them but for the odd collective hope it gives us. It gives some friends the joy hoping and believing we’ll get there…and other friends it gives the joy of reminding them of what they do have in their own life and how they sometimes take that joy for granted.

    So go plan yourselves a relaxed party with people you love, k?

  5. 5 Jane Roe June 14, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Your friend is indeed wise. Love is so special and important and worth all the ups and downs that come with it. The celebration is just part of the entire, wonderful package, and those who love you and Aaron want to be there with you. I don’t know about anybody else but when I am invited to a wedding celebration I feel honored to have been included.

  6. 6 Sara H June 15, 2010 at 9:10 am

    As a woman who married a dude who had been married before, let me just say – CELEBRATE! Pish posh, second marriages shouldn’t be celebrated, BOO. Your friends and family know you, and they know Aaron, and they love you both, and it’s all about sharing the love. And honestly, no one’s thinking about the fact that it’s your second time – not to trivialize the first one, but it’s all about building a future and your happiness right now, and all of those friends and family will be a part of that journey, so why not include them in the very first part of it?

    And I know what kind of all-about-me bride you’re talking about, and you could never pull that off. 😉 Having observed many weddings while catering, I can tell you I have seen weddings that are all about the bride – but it’s because the bride herself is obviously that way in real life all the time and has constructed her wedding accordingly (and hideously). You couldn’t possibly design a celebration that would not be true to yourself and how you live your life, and it will be great.

  7. 7 gracieandkate June 15, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Thanks, everyone. It really means a lot to me to hear your kind words. I shed more than a few tears over them. Thank you so much.

  8. 8 Kristin June 15, 2010 at 11:52 am

    I love you and I really think you are doing this wedding in the perfect way. I can’t wait. I also think the new look of the blog is absolutely fabulous. So light and airy. 🙂

  9. 9 gwendolyngarden June 21, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    First, sorry that I’m late to the party, I have no excuse.

    Second, I agree that everyone loves a comeback kid- I sure do. I love you and Aaron and am so thrilled that you are both happy together. You two have been one of the bright spots of my whole year! You deserve to have a day that is all about you and all of the happiness in the world.

    I also agree that there is a difference between fakey bridezillas and everyone else who gets married because they love the other person a lot. And we all know what camp you fall into. One’s harshest critic is always oneself. We all love you!

    I’m so genuinely excited and happy for you– and I feel like I get a tiny little bit of credit for your happiness…you know why. Your happiness makes me so happy and lucky to know both of you and call you friends.

    Ok. I’m done rambling. Better late than never, right?

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June 2010

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